


Hearts in the Rain

by The_Snarkivist



Series: These Rainy Hearts [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Torchwood
Genre: Chaos, Idiots in Love, Jealousy, M/M, Mostly Torchwood minimal Buffy, Not Beta Read, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Series 03 Fix-It: Children of Earth (Torchwood), Sex Magic, Smut, Spanking, Two Evil Idiots in Love, canon-typical eye rolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:07:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27598661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Snarkivist/pseuds/The_Snarkivist
Summary: In which two most selfish villains find each other and fall in love and maybe end up inadvertently saving the day, for all the wrong reasons.
Relationships: Ethan Rayne / John Hart, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Series: These Rainy Hearts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2066130
Comments: 10
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew what would make him happy was a good old adventure. Mayhem, blood and guts, terrified civilians, some sort of goal that if he was honest, it was not about really. It was always the journey. But he just didn't feel like it. It was so much easier to drink 
> 
> ***********************  
> Ethan Rayne spots someone he thinks he knows in a gay bar. He's wrong but so starts a romance of epic proportions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets pretty smutty so be warned if that's not your thing. The subsequent chapters are less so but Ethan and John have pretty dirty mouths on them.

John Hart slinked into the bar. He didn't even have the energy to make a grand entrance and scare everyone. What was the point? Was he even a badass anymore? Certainly Jack didn’t think so. Jack didn’t really think of him at all, to be honest. Which was quite rude considering he had cleverly saved Jack from his psycho brother. Not that he got any credit for it. No Jack was still all mad that two of his dumb staff died. Whatever. He still had two little acolytes including the one who made moon eyes at Jack (well actually that was both of them) and looked so good in a suit. So what was he complaining about? The world didn’t end. 

He ordered the strongest drink they had and went back to sulking. He’d tried being really devious and fun with the ‘radioactive cluster bomb’ snafu. That didn’t impress Jack. And then he’d saved him from Gray. Still wasn’t impressed. The man was unimpressible. He was too hung up on that stupid Welsh kid who, admittedly wore a suit like no one else and had rather phenomenal eyes. John couldn't compete with that. He was mad at himself that he cared. He really needed to get over Jack.

The weird thing about it was he had a grudging respect for Jack's new beau. The man had balls of steel. He was completely not intimidated by John in the slightest. He stood face to face with him and rolled his eyes. John was used to people being terrified of him, or turned on, or often both things. Eyecandy was neither. And that was annoying but also a little awe-inspiring. If he was honest, he had to admit that being rejected by Jack had a bit less of a sting because the competition was so formidable.

He knew what would make him happy was a good old adventure. Mayhem, blood and guts, terrified civilians, some sort of goal that if he was honest, it was not about really. It was always the journey. But he just didn't feel like it. It was so much easier to drink. 

But the more he drank, the more he started to think about how he wasn't really good at anything. He'd tried being a criminal mastermind but his schemes were always foiled. He always ended up humiliated while all the boring so-called "good guys" celebrated how they won. 

There was a time when he was happy with his terrible decisions. His plans were so bad and went so wrong that they always resulted in the most fun. But then he started to try and win Jack back. And you couldn’t win a man like him back with bad planning. 

And so then when he tried to be good? It was even more of a disaster! He thought if he found Gray then Jack would forget all about Eyecandy and the rest of his dumb little team and he would be so grateful. The three of them - Jack, John, and Gray - could travel the universe having adventures. And he wasn't a monster, Eyecandy could come too if he agreed to share Jack. 

But like every other plan John made, that plan all went to shit. Gray turned out to be a huge psychopath - like huge by John's standards, and he'd been to Murder Rehab. And next thing John knew he was planting bombs and luring the Torchwood team into traps.  
And once again suddenly everything was his fault. It just wasn't fair. He got blamed for everything, even when he was trying to help.

So fuck 'em all. That's the last time he ever tried to help Jack and his little team of pretty sycophants. From here on in John was going to only think about himself for a change. The rest of the world could go rot. 

He wasn't going to think about Jack. AND he certainly wasn't going to fall in love again. Love was for dumb suckers. It made you do stupid things like try to help people who didn't give you any credit for your hard work. Fuck that. From now on he was just going to fuck and forget. If he was horny - which he almost always was - he would just find a random hookup, get his rocks off, and be on his way.

He decided that the most expediant way to find a quick fuck was to go to a gay bar and find a guy with excedingly low standards. 

******************

Ethan Rayne sighed with annoyance as he looked around the bar from his secluded corner. It was pretty dead. It was a Monday which probably explained that. London was losing its edge, he thought. Back on the day, even on a Monday this bar would be full of kinky perverts who were up for the sort of games Ethan liked to play.

But that was before. Before when the magic flowed so freely and easily from his fingers. Before when he felt like nothing in the world would stop him. Before when he could cause mayhem with just a clever idea and incantation. And he was never hornier and more attractive than when he was surrounded by chaos. 

He had, in his opinion, never been particularly good looking. But the confidence and the magic made him particularly attractive to partners who wanted things a little weird and a lot kinky. To those who wanted disorder and pandemonium. He had satisfied them and himself. 

But now, now he was just a washed up failure who half the time couldn't even do magic anymore. So usually the best he could hope for was a pity fuck. 

For the millionth time he cursed Ripper. It was him who was responsible for the years Ethan had been a prisoner of the Initiative. All Ethan did was turn Rupert into a demon which was hardly a big deal at all. It was a pretty funny prank, to be honest. But Rupert had to overreact and call in a SWAT team. Maybe Ripper had no idea of what kind of torture the secretive paramilitary group would put Ethan through but he certainly never gave Ethan a second thought after they carted him away. 

It made Ethan so mad that for all the years he spent cursing his ex the man himself wasn't even thinking of him at all. He was just pleasantly going on with his life saving the world. And when Ethan got back to London he heard whispers in the London demon gossip mill that Ripper had shacked up with that devastatingly good looking blonde vampire. And never did he spare a thought for Ethan and what he was enduring. And beyond all the tests and torture all Ethan had was time to think about Ripper. 

He planned so many elaborate revenge plots. It helped him get through it all. But as soon as he escaped from Nevada his magic started to fail him. It just didn't come as easily as it had. And then there were the flashbacks. Almost all of the time that Ethan tried to do magic he would be tormented by memories of being poked, prodded, electrocuted, beaten. The more the flashbacks happened, the lower Ethan's confidence went. 

So here he was now: sitting in a shitty gay bar, feeling sorry for himself, and hoping some one relatively attractive would feel sorry enough for him to take him home. How pathetic. 

When the door opened Ethan's eyes naturally moved to check out the person entering. His eyes widened in surprise and then hardened in rage. What the hell was Ripper's boy toy doing here? And did that mean that Ripper was not far behind? Or did they have an extra curricular activities agreement? 

There was no sign of Rupert but all the anger that had built up over the eight years Ethan had been in captivity bubbled up anyway. He could very easily take it out on Spike, who couldn't very well defend himself since Ethan was human. 

He didn't pause to consider that the same torturers who had broken him had put the chip in Spike's head that prevented him from defending himself against humans. Nor did he take in some definite clues that perhaps this man was not who Ethan thought he was. The man looked slightly older and slightly less undead.

But Ethan was not seeing anything but white hot rage. The man had ordered a drink and was scoping out the bar as he moved to stand near a wall. Ethan stood up and moved towards the man who now had his back to Ethan.

"YOU!" Ethan growled. 

The man turned in surprise at Ethan's voice. Ethan grabbed him by the neck and slammed him into the wall. It was only as his fingers tightened around the man's neck that his brain finally kicked in. There was absolutely no recognition in the man's eyes and his skin was far too warm for him to be a vampire. 

"Oh!" Ethan said as he realized. He loosened his grip on the man's neck. 

"Jesus Christ, why the fuck are you stopping?" The man said. His eyes were dark with lust. Ethan had pushed up against the man so he could feel how hard he was. 

"I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else."

"Well, fuck. I'm not. But he, the unfortunate bastard, is not here. I, however, am. So what are you going to do about that?" There was lust and a challenge in the man's eyes. He batted his eyes at Ethan and thrust his crotch against Ethan's leg. 

Before Ethan could have doubts on what to do he smashed his lips onto the man's as he captured his mouth in a brutal kiss. The man moaned hungrily into Ethan's mouth. Ethan was so turned on that he felt magic crackling in his fingers. The feeling was so strange to him now, but it felt like an old friend returning after years. 

He had trapped the man's arms against the wall with his hands and the magic fizzled and cracked like electricity against the man's wrists. 

As they broke their kiss to gasp for breath, the man panted, "Fuuuck. Who the fuck are you and where have you been all my life?" Then he paused as he considered. "Actually, don't care. The biggest question is, where are you going to take me to fuck my brains out?" 

Ethan could barely breathe. The magic was coursing through his body and he felt like he was flying. "I live two streets over."

"Then why the fuck aren't we headed there already." 

Ethan said nothing and stepped away from the man, releasing his hands. Then he leant down and grabbed the man by his slender waist and threw him over his shoulder. 

The bouncer side eyed Ethan but the man called out "woohoo take me home Daddy!" Making his consent rather obvious. The bouncer just rolled his eyes and looked away. 

*******************

John had no idea what was happening to him and frankly didn't care. Going home with this dangerous stranger was a terrible idea - and he loved it. He hadn’t felt this alive and reckless in years! Jack could have appeared naked on the street in front of him and he wouldn't even take a second look. All he could think about was the man who currently had John slung over his shoulder and was practically running through the streets to get them back to his place. And there? There he would do who knows what to John, hopefully something absolutely depraved and disgusting. 

Finally they arrived and the man set him down in a rather ancient lift as they ascended to the top floor. 

As soon as John had his balance from being upside down the man was on him again, kissing him with everything he had. It was like this man was a sentient live wire he crackled with electricity that went straight to John's balls. He was about to suggest he blow the man right there in the elevator but the elevator clanked to a stop. 

The man practically ripped the elevator door open and then yanked John so hard his arm nearly dislocated and pulled him down the hall. 

John hadn't been man handled like this in a very long time and he was afraid he was going to come far too soon. He tried to think of unsexy things like blowfish aliens but the sheer aliveness and dangerous energy radiating from the man banished all other thoughts from his head. 

They were in the apartment now. John had no idea who took off what clothes because all of a sudden he was conscious that he and this man were naked and in a very impressive loft style bedroom. 

They both stood in front of the bed admiring each other's bodies. 

"Right, what's your name then?" John asked. "Need to know what I'm going to be screaming in a few minutes. I'm John by the way." 

"It's Ethan." The man said as he shoved John onto the bed. 

John suddenly felt as though his arms and legs were pulled to the four corners of the bed by unseen hands. The more he struggled the tighter the unseen hands gripped. So of course he struggled a bunch more because the feeling of being held down was everything he wanted. 

"Whatever am I going to do to you?" Ethan said provocatively as his eyes raked over John's body. 

"Everything, I hope." John said. 

Ethan smiled wickedly. "That can be arranged."

Ethan said something in a language that sounded like Latin and flicked his fingers at John. He felt there were hands all over his body, touching him in every place. He moaned and began to writhe. Fingers tweaked his nipples, hands gripped his thighs, a finger was circling the ring of muscle in his asshole, hands gripped his throat - enough to notice but not enough to prevent him from breathing, close cropped nails raked down his chest, a hand stroked his cock. Everywhere. Hands and fingers touching, caressing, stroking, pulling, pushing, scratching and pinching. And then it was all too much.

"Fuuuuuuuuck Ethan!!!" John screamed at the top of his lungs. The intensity of the orgasm that hit him made his eyes roll back in his head and his body convulse, he felt pins and needles all over. 

Ethan looked down at John like he wanted to eat him up. 

"That was quite the show. You look phenomenal when you are getting thoroughly fucked." 

Miraculously John still had energy. The phantom hands had released him so he sat up on the bed. 

"I know." He replied. He'd been in enough bedrooms with mirrored ceilings to be quite aware of how he looked. 

"Cocky, aren't you?" 

"Maybe." 

"I do wonder," Ethan continued, "how you would look with my cock shoved in your mouth?"

John grinned. "Only one way to find out." 

Ethan jumped on the bed and pulled John so he was sitting up against the headboard. Ethan moved so his very erect cock was level with John's mouth. 

John reached out to touch him but found his hands pinned against the headboard, held by invisible binds. 

"No touching." Ethan rasped. "I'm in control here. I'm going to fuck that pretty little mouth of yours till you choke.' 

Impossibly, John's cock was stiffening again. 

"Do it!"

And then his mouth was filled with Ethan's cock. He tasted amazing. And his cock fizzed like his fingers. John sucked and licked as Ethan thrust in and out. John moaned loudly hoping the noise would vibrate on Ethan's dick. 

Ethan was moaning too. The look of pleasure on his face was intense. 

Their eyes locked. "You do look so hot with my cock in your mouth." Ethan concluded. 

He began to thrust harder. John felt so invaded, so taken over. He loved it.

Then Ethan came with a shout and hot ejaculate shot into John's mouth. He swallowed enthusiastically. 

Ethan pulled out and flopped down on the bed beside John. 

"You are incredible. It's been quite sometime since I've been able to do that."

"You mean sex?" John asked incredulously.

"No, I mean the magic. You're quite the muse you know?"

John smiled. "You're pretty inspirational yourself." 

John's brain was whirring. He was in London. There were so many scams he could pull, so many things to rob. He was back!! He didn't need Jack, he didn't need anyone! Well, except that sex had been incredible and he wanted to do it again.

He looked at Ethan. He was very attractive and there was something about him. But the last thing John wanted was to fall for someone who would leave him like Jack did. He couldn't be needy like he had been with Jack. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen and all that. He frowned slightly and tried to look disinterested.

Ethan smiled but there wasn't any warmth in it. Exactly, John thought, he doesn't want anything either. This was just about the sex.

As soon as the feeling returned to his body he jumped up and began putting his clothes back on. 

"I hate to fuck and run. But I have so much to do!" 

Ethan nodded. His face was completely still. He grabbed a robe by the bed and walked John, who was now dressed, to the door. 

"Well, it was fun." Ethan said with a wink. "See you around." 

John nodded and then on a whim he grabbed Ethan and kissed him hard. 

"See ya maybe." He said as he sauntered out the door. 

****************

He felt amazing! He went back to his room to stare out the floor to ceiling window. Below he watched as a figure in a red military coat sauntered out of the building. He felt a bit of a twinge that he wasn't going to see John again. The way the man's face turned cold and impersonal almost as soon as Ethan's cock was out of his mouth delivered that message loud and clear. 

Still, he didn't care at all. He was back! He held up a hand and felt the magic rippling beneath the skin. He didn't need that beautiful man with his angular face and perfect cheekbones. He had magic. 

He needed to do something. Anything really. Just as long as it was chaotic. Just to prove he could do it. He scanned the street and his eyes caught on a poster. "Mummies of Egypt" at the British Museum the poster read. 

"Well that sounds fun." He thought. 

In his library he paged through books of spells. Increased purification? Smelly but not that scary. Levitation? No, that was just a parlour trick. Curses? That would take too long to work. He needed instant gratification.

"Aha!!" He said aloud with glee. Reanimation. It required a lot of concentration to maintain the spell but it wasn't in itself too hard to start. And it didn't require messy potions, just a few materials to make wake up charms to place near the bodies. 

This was perfect! He smiled to himself as he imagined the terrified tourists running every which way screaming for their insignificant little lives. 

"Ethan is back!!" He yelled. The sound echoed off the walls of the apartment, empty of any other living being. 

*********""

Ethan went on a Saturday when the exhibit was quite crowded. He had been tempted to go earlier because he was bored and was dying for something, anything, fun. But his patience in enduring the solitary five days paid off with an extra busy exhibit. It was perfect, so many people to terrify. He subtly hid the charms under the cases of all the mummies. Then he found a sheltered corner. It had a small bench, perhaps for tired museum patrons or security guards. He set down a cloaking ward around the bench and stepped into it. Then he sat on the bench and began his quiet almost inaudible chanting. 

It was slow at first. Anyone who noticed might think they imagined it. A subtle rumbling. A quick flex of an arm. But as the spell grew the movements were less subtle. Until finally the caskets started to shake and the skeletons sat up and smashed the glass of their cases so they could walk around. The hall was full pandemonium at this point. Parents clutching their children and running, people crowding the exits. It was fully marvelous. 

But then out of nowhere came a flashback. Ethan was strapped into a gurney. "What happens when you do magic!???" Screamed the guard as he tasered Ethan. "What happens!!!!!"

Ethan fell to the ground convulsing. "Pain," he cried. "I get nothing but pain." Sobs racked his body.

"That's right, motherfucker." The guard said as he tasered him again.

"Ethan?? Ethan are you ok? Ethan, please come back." 

Ethan opened his eyes. He was not at the Initiative's Nevada torture chamber. He was in the British Museum, curled in a protective ball on the floor. 

He looked at the museum hall. The skeletons were one by one falling to the floor. But then he became aware of gentle gloved hands on his shoulder. He turned and lay back on his back. And there, kneeling over him, was that chiseled face and those gorgeous cheekbones. It was John. 

"What?? How?? You're here." 

"Casing the joint. Doing research. Figured a good museum heist would chase my blues away. Look what I grabbed when you were making those skeletons dance!"

He held up a necklace encrusted in jewels. 

"You two!" A guard yelled. "What are you doing? Is that an artefact in your hand?" He ran towards them. 

Ethan couldn't sit up but John had acted fast and thrown the necklace at the guard. He was too preoccupied by trying to catch it that he wasn't able to interfere when John pulled Ethan into his arms and punched some buttons on a leather wrist strap with an electronic device on it and all of a sudden they were transported into a filthy bedsit. 

"What kind of magic is that?" Ethan asked pointing to John's wrist strap when John had settled Ethan on the bed, which at least was clean.

"Not magic. It's just space tech."

"Are you an alien?" Ethan asked with interest. 

"Oh no. Well... Technically I am ethnically human but I was born on one of the colonies so I guess I am sort of?"

"But Earth doesn't have any colonies." 

"Not yet it doesn't." John replied.

"Oh!" 

"Time travel. I worked for this thing called The Time Agency. But Ethan, are you ok? What happened back there?"

John looked at him with concern and lightly put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Ethan sighed. "That's who I am now. A huge failure. When I do magic I get... flashbacks. It's horrible. That place..." 

He pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned his head on his knees. 

"What place? What did they do to you Ethan?" John's voice was soft and comforting but it also had an edge. He stroked a hand through Ethan's hair. 

Ethan raised his head. 

"The Initiative. They are this shadow agency that "studies" paranormal occurrences. More like they basically torture anyone who isn't human or uses magic. It was stupid. I turned my ex boyfriend into a Fyarl demon as a joke. But he had powerful friends... And they shipped me off to this "facility" in Nevada." 

Ethan took a deep breath. John was watching him. He looked concerned and strangely tender. Ethan would tell him anything if he asked. It had been so long since anyone had wanted to hear him talk or cared about what happened to him.

"They tortured me, day and night. They tried to get me to stop using my magic. Said I was unnatural and if I didn't stop with the magic I would lose my soul. They made me do things with magic and then they would... hurt me really badly. They did it so much. And it was years. And now... Now when I try... Even simple spells. It's like I am back in Nevada." 

Ethan started to sob. And John pulled him into his arms. He held him tight. Ethan felt protected, cared for. John rubbed his back soothingly. John was so warm, so alive. Ethan clung to him.

"If I ever meet any of those people… I tell you, it will be worth quitting murder rehab for!" His voice was so angry.

After Ethan had cried all his tears he still clung to John. 

“How did you get out?” 

Ethan sat up as John’s arms loosened to let him go. 

“Funny story, really. Budget cuts.” 

John looked at him incredulously. 

“There was a recession and the idea of funding paranormal “research” was laughable. They weren’t really getting any results because all they were doing was torturing people. So their budget was cut and they started cutting corners. They laid off staff and their security was more lax. The people who were left just didn’t care anymore. So I faked my own death - in case they got more money and decided to go after me - and I got the hell out of America. And now here I am, a broken warlock who can’t even do magic anymore. What use am I to anyone?” 

“You didn’t have any problem doing magic to me the other night. A night, which, I have not been able to stop thinking about since. That was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. And I’m from the 51st century where people have way less hangups and are great at fucking.” 

Ethan looked at John. John smiled at him and his heart grew two sizes. 

“I don’t know. Sometimes I can do magic without flashbacks. But with you…” He looked at John whose face was open, there was none of the blankness from after they had had sex the last time. “With you, it was different. It was like I was my old self. I meant it when I said you inspire me.” 

John looked sad suddenly. “I can be such an idiot sometimes, you know? I was afraid after… You know when we fucked? I thought if I let on how much it meant to me, you would reject me. Even if you wanted to keep going, I thought you were just going to leave me eventually and it would hurt. I’m… well I’m still not completely over my ex. His name is Jack. We were together for five years and we broke up ages ago now but he’s still… It’s still there a bit for me. And it fucking hurts. He doesn’t care at all. Like not even a little bit. That kills me. How could he mean so much to me and I mean so little to him? And he’s got a new boyfriend now. Who’s like completely perfect, follows him around like a puppy, a very smart and well trained, hyper-efficient puppy who looks damn hot in a suit. Anyway, my point is that I am wary of entanglements because of the thing with my ex.” 

“I know what you mean about being obsessed with your ex. Mine just looked on and laughed when they took me to the torture facility. And I doubt he’s thought of me once since. I spent years in that prison trying to think of revenge plots and he never thought of me once. And now he’s got a hot boyfriend too. Totally looks younger than him though he’s actually older because he’s a vampire. And..” 

Ethan blushed. 

“What is it?” 

“Well, it’s just that, you kind of look like him. I mean obviously you’re human and different and honestly you look much better because you’re not pale and dead-looking like he is. But when I saw you in the club. I thought you were him and since my ex wasn’t there, I thought, well why not take my anger out on his new boyfriend.” 

John laughed. “Wow! I’m lucky I guess that I look like him! But seriously, you were going to try to strangle a vampire?”

“Oh, no it was totally safe. Those fuckers that tortured me put a chip in his head so he can’t attack humans. He’s completely neutered. Which, also I feel bad about. I shouldn’t have been attacking someone who survived the same monsters that broke me.” 

“Well for what it’s worth, I’m glad you tried to, and I’m glad it was me not him. I’m glad you took me home and fucked me anyway. Best way to get over your ex, you know? Getting under someone else.” 

Ethan laughed. “True enough. But you know, it’s not just because you look like him. My magic came back when you kissed me, not when I saw you.” 

John grinned. “That kiss wiped my ex completely from my memory. Only, I think he might be coming back. Anything you can think of to do to stop that?" 

Ethan grabbed John and kissed him roughly. The man made him so hard but also tingly all over. As he plundered John's mouth he felt his magic coming back. The feeling crackled in his fingers.

They both began to pull off their clothes till they were naked on John's small bed. They kissed more and Ethan ran his hands along John's chest. He felt the power as it caressed John's skin.

"What are you even doing to me?" John gasped. "You need to fuck me right now before I come just from your fizzy hands."

Ethan pushed John back on the bed and pulled his legs apart roughly. John leaned his head back into the mattress and moaned. Clearly this man loved it rough. 

"Do you have stuff?"

"In the desk drawer beside the bed." John said breathlessly. 

Ethan opened the drawer and found lube and condoms. "I like a man who's prepared." 

He paused to open a condom packet and put it on himself. But as he did so he sent his phantom hands to roam John's body. John writhed and moaned which made Ethan even harder. He could feel John's body even though he wasn't touching it yet. He could feel the quickened pulse and the way he arched up into Ethan's touch. 

Ethan spread lube onto his hands and then sent his phantom hands to John's ass to open him up and make him ready whilst he still moved hands everywhere else on John's body. Then he spread the lube over the condom on his cock.

John called out and panted in ecstasy.

"Fuuuuuck Ethan! That feels so good. How are you even???? Uuuuuuuhhhhh."

When he was satisfied with how open John was he moved to his body. Sometime he would fuck John without even touching him. But now, after it had been so long, he wanted to use his own body. He needed to feel John fully. 

He positioned himself at John's hole and pushed in. He heard himself grunt as his cock pushed through the ring of muscle and into John. The heat and pressure made him even harder. 

"Fuck, you're so tight, John. So good." 

He grabbed John's legs and pulled them up so they were over his shoulder and he began to thrust into John. He started slowly at first but John writhed in impatience.

"Harder Ethan, you're not going to break me." 

Ethan responded by thrusting harder and deeper. He began to slam into John. They were both moaning and panting. 

When Ethan was close he moved his mind hands to John's cock and started stroking him. John screamed and came right away. His hot ejaculate coating his stomach. The sight of John debauched like that pushed Ethan over the edge and he thrust frantically several more times and then his orgasm overtook him and was convulsing and tingling.

*******************

John thought about what to do next. Well, at least once he was able to move again. Right now all he could do was lie on the bed and stare at the stain on the ceiling and think about how mind blowing that sex had been. He'd never even felt like that with Jack. And Jack was legendarily good in bed. 

Ethan lay beside him likewise staring at the ceiling. Should John tell him to leave? Surely they were past that? Past pretending that this didn't mean anything? 

"You can stay if you want... or like whatever, you don't have to. It's cool." John said awkwardly.

Ethan looked up at him. "Your apartment is disgusting. I'm pretty sure that's black mould all over the ceiling. But I find I am strangely compelled to stay here. I don't know if it's your cheekbones or the state of constant arousal I find myself in around you, or the fact that I can do magic around you, to you without flashbacks." 

"Hell, I'll take any of those things because I am fucking lonely and I need a warm body to lie with while I sleep. Also I can't move because of that earth shaking orgasm you gave me." 

Ethan turned onto his side so he was looking at John. 

"Well there are definitely more of those where that came from. But perhaps next time at my place?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I really hope you enjoy these two evil idiots in love as much as I do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John stood and stared out the ceiling to floor window. It was a typical foggy day which was annoying. What was the point of standing completely naked in a huge window with all the lights on in the flat, if the fog meant he couldn't shock anyone?
> 
> **********************************
> 
> John tries to help Ethan get his magic back.

John stood and stared out the ceiling to floor window. It was a typical foggy day which was annoying. What was the point of standing completely naked in a huge window with all the lights on in the flat, if the fog meant he couldn't shock anyone?

"I hate this damn fog." He said to Ethan who was behind him similarly naked but more discreetly sprawled out on his king sized bed. 

"I know you like showing yourself off but I like that I am the only one who can see you right now." 

John knew intellectually that Ethan's possessiveness was probably not super healthy but he found it pretty hot. 

The last few months had been a blur. At first John only saw Ethan every few days. But soon both men found they couldn't wait those days in between. Soon John was over every night getting fucked into oblivion by Ethan and his magic. Eventually Ethan suggested that John move in. And John hadn't looked back since. 

"You could make the fog disappear, you know Magic Hands." John challenged. 

"Couldn't."

"Yes you could!" John turned around and leaned on the window as he studied Ethan.

"Love, you know my magic only works when I am fucking you." 

Ethan had sat up on the bed. He had that look he often got when they weren't in bed. A mix of hopelessness and dejection. John hated that look and hated how Ethan thought he was useless because he couldn't do magic.

"Oh, come on! Just try it for me." John pouted. He knew what his cheekbones looked like and the effect his pouts had on Ethan. "I'll let you do whatever depraved thing you want to me after?"

Ethan laughed. "You would let me do that anyway." 

"Fair point. But you should still do it. Just try it. I think your magic is coming back." 

"John, I don't know." Ethan looked so lost and desolate.

John moved quickly to the bed and settled himself behind Ethan. His legs straddled Ethan on each side. He wound his arms around Ethan and began to stroke his chest with one hand and moved down to his cock with the other. He leaned his chin on Ethan's shoulder. 

"Magic Hands, I don't believe in a great many things. But I believe in you. I know you can do brilliant, wonderful, and evil magic." 

Ethan leaned his head back in ecstasy and moaned filthily, he put his hands on John's legs, there was always a low hum of magic crackling there but as John increased the speed with which he was pumping Ethan’s cock the crackling intensified. John found it addictive. 

"No one has ever made me feel like you do." He whispered into Ethan's ear. "I love you." 

He hadn't meant to say it. It just rushed out unbidden. But John knew it was true. He loved this man with every cell in his body. 

The sparks from Ethan's fingers intensified. He leaned back into John and came with a shout. 

"I love you too.” He said, trying to catch his breath. “I have never met anyone like you."

"We'll start small, and then when you can handle simple magic, we'll move on to something more complicated. I know you can get your magic back, Ethan. I believe in you. Now it’s your turn to fuck me with those magic hands!"

****************

John and Ethan stood in the mall cafeteria. They were conveniently cloaked by a perception filter that John rigged up with this vortex manipulator. His Ethan had enough to worry about with the spell, he didn’t need the distraction of hiding both of them as well. Baby steps. 

“Alright Magic Hands, show those fuckers all the chaos you have in those sexy digits!” John purred into Ethan’s ear. Ethan gulped, clearly aroused. This arousal was confirmed as John moved his hand down to Ethan’s crotch to feel the bulge. John was tempted to drop to his knees right there and take Ethan in his mouth. But it wouldn’t have been any fun with the perception filter on. What was the point of blowing your ridiculously hot boyfriend in public if shocked passersby couldn’t see it? 

“I don’t know Johnny, I don’t know if I can do this.” 

“You can do it.” John said as he cupped Ethan’s balls through his trousers. “Just thinking of me moaning underneath you as you zap those tourists.” Then John put his mouth even closer to Ethan’s ear and let loose with his most exaggerated sex moan he could manage. “Oh, I want you to fuck me harder, Magic Hands” he whispered. “Yeah do it like that! Oh gawd your cock feels so good in my ass. Keep pounding - harder!!” 

It was a testament to how comfortable he felt with Ethan. He would have felt like a complete idiot doing this to anyone else.

But it worked, Ethan smiled as he held his crackling hands up and spoke the Latin incantation. 

Suddenly a tremor moved through all the diners in the food court. They started to convulse and then the mayhem began. Some turned into clucking chickens, some turned into mooing cows, others turned into a variety of vegetables, others turned into large cups of soda. 

“Ha!!” John had let go of Ethan and was jumping up and down in delight. “You are what you eat motherfuckers!!” He shouted pointing and laughing at the chaos in the food court. 

The security guards were running around clearly confused with what was happening. 

“Oh yeah, baby!” John said as he licked Ethan’s straining face. “You show those idiots, Magic Hands! They don’t even know what hit them! It’s hilarious how they….. Oh fuck!” 

He could see the spell start to falter. The diners were slowly turning from what they had turned into back to themselves. If he wasn’t so worried about his poor Ethan he would have found the extra chaos created by the half-chicken/half-mall shoppers and shoppers with exaggeratedly large straws growing out of their heads quite funny.

“Are you okay, baby?” He cooed at Ethan. His man was straining and sweating and looked like he was in great pain. 

“Pain… I get nothing but pain…” Ethan moaned as though he were half a million miles away. Stuck back in the prison of his memory. 

“Oh baby, no. Please come back. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re here, I’m going to keep you safe. I won’t let them give you pain. Come on love, you can do it.” 

But it was no use, the diners were almost completely human shaped again and Ethan had dropped his hand and dropped to a sitting position, pulling his legs into his body as he rocked back and forth. 

“Pain. I only deserve pain. Just pain.” 

John knelt and put his arms around his lover as he punched some buttons on his vortex manipulator. 

****************************

“It’s not use Johnny. I’m broken. I’m pointless. Who wants a magician that can’t magic? What’s the point of me?” 

Ethan lay on his bed, curled in a ball. 

“No, love. It’s not true. I’d want you even if your hands didn’t crackle when you fucked me. You’re dead sexy even when you’re not doing magic.” 

“I can’t do anything. All my plans are stupid.” 

“All my plans are stupid too! That’s what makes them so much fun! Chaos is all about idiotic ideas that you do when you’re bored. The worse the plan the more the chaos! And you love chaos, Magic Hands!” 

“I know, but it’s only fun when it lasts.” 

“Baby, we’ll get your magic back. I know we can!” 

“You keep saying that but the last four times we tried it always ended the same way. I can’t shake the flashbacks.” 

John stroked his back. He knew his Johnny wanted to help, he really did. But as the man admitted himself, all of John’s ideas were completely terrible. That was what Ethan loved about him. His plans seemed plausible - especially when John explained them excitedly in their bed - but if you thought about them for more than five seconds, they fell apart. It made Ethan so horny. John was right, stupid plans were the best plans. They always failed and caused even more chaos than they had intended.

But as much as Ethan loved terrible plans, that didn’t help much with his current predicament. A terrible plan was not going to fix him. And what if he didn’t get fixed? He could tell his Johnny loved mayhem and action. How long would he stick around if his lover kept fucking up and having these horrible flashbacks? How long before John packed up and went back to try to win back his stupid ex.

Thinking about John’s ex made Ethan really mad. Everytime John mentioned stupid Jack Fancypants he got this look on his face. Like he was still thinking about him, still remembering how famously good in bed he was. It made Ethan want to set fires. He wanted his Johnny to only think of him that way. He didn’t want space for stupid Captain Sexgod in his man’s head. 

“It’s no use. I can’t do magic. And soon the sex magic will probably stop and then you won’t want to be with me anymore. And then I’ll be a lonely pathetic loser again.”

“No baby, no. I’m never going to leave you. You just try getting rid of me. I’d hunt you down and handcuff myself to you. You know I would. You will never be rid of me. But, it’s not you, you know? It’s just the memories. If only there was some way we could….. OH MY GAWD!!!” 

John had jumped up on the bed and was now jumping up and down. He only did this when he got a spectacularly bad idea. 

“We can wipe your memories!!! Oh! It’s perfect!! If you can’t remember the Initiative, you won’t have flashbacks! It’s so perfect! Oh baby!! You’re going to be back!! We’re going to cause so much trouble!! You’ll see!!” 

Ethan sat up, Johnny’s enthusiasm was quite infectious, he seemed so sure of his idea. “But Johnny, how am I going to forget the Initiative?” 

“Oh baby!!” John reached down and pulled Ethan up so they bounced together on the bed. “I know just the place we can get some forgetting pills! Wooo hooo!! You’re going to be back baby!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh fuuuuck!” John said as he realized, too late, that this had not in fact been a brilliant plan. It had been a quite terrible plan, even by his standards. 
> 
> **********
> 
> John appeals to Jack for help after his plans go wrong.

It had been pretty easy to break into the Hub. With only three full time staff and one pteranodon staffing the place, John got in easily. It also had something to do with the diversion Ethan arranged. John knew that it wouldn’t last long but he hoped he could get in, get the Retcon, and get back to Ethan before everything went to Pearshaped. And he’d set Ethan up away from the action so Jack and his dumb friends probably wouldn’t notice him at first anyway. 

It had been a bit of a chore talking Magic Hands into John’s brilliant plan. He got so jealous and they had a two hour fight about how no, the idea to go to Cardiff was not John’s attempt to leave Ethan for Jack. It had ended in a very enthusiastic round of fucking so it turned out okay. 

But it was ridiculous of Magic Hands because John hadn’t even thought about Jack in months and months. If he had he would have come up with this brilliant Retcon-stealing plan much earlier. 

But John would be lying if he hadn’t admitted that somewhere in his little primal brain, the idea of Ethan’s intense jealousy turned him on to a shocking degree. 

Every time Magic Hands sulked because John looked too long at another person and then threatened to chain him to the bed so he wouldn’t look at anyone but him? Well, John would purposely ogle someone so that Ethan would make good on his promise and chain him up. How could he not? Magic Hands was extra sexy when he was jealous and the way he treated John so roughly when he was mad just got John so hot. And anyway, Ethan always got over it in the end and unshackled John after he fucked him senseless. 

He liked to play at looking at other people but as if John was going to mess up a relationship with someone this perfect for some inferior shag? He may be the king of terrible life choices but even he knew what a good thing he had in Ethan. There was no way he was ever going to let Magic Hands get away. Still, he did enjoy making him jealous. 

After he had assuaged Ethan’s fears (mostly through sucking them out through Ethan’s cock), he convinced him that Retcon was the answer they had been looking for. Then he had created this brilliant foolproof plan. 

And this time it turned out it really was foolproof! Luck was really on his side because his diversion had worked so well with the over-worked staff that someone had left the Retcon cabinet unlocked in the Medbay. John grabbed a bottle of pills and was back to Ethan in no time. 

It was good timing because Ethan was just about to collapse into his flashback. The figures he had created out of the water in Cardiff Bay that were splashing tourists were settling down into slight waves. John grabbed Ethan and used his vortex manipulator to take them back to their hotel.

****************  
John watched Ethan sleep peacefully. He remembered what Jack said about mixing a sleeping pill into the Retcon so people couldn’t fight the effects. He couldn’t wait for Ethan to wake up. This was going to work. The adventures they would have!!! He couldn’t wait to do something big to annoy Jack and the team. They’d leave Cardiff after that. Afterall, he was quite aware of how quickly Jack, or really it was Eyecandy, caught on to his schemes. He didn’t want to push his luck. Especially since it might take Magic Hands some time to get back to his full powers. 

John was distracted from his thoughts by the sound of Ethan stirring on the bed. 

“Magic Hands! You’re awake! Are you ready to tear this city apart with your magic?” John said eagerly.

Ethan sat up on the bed and rubbed his eyes. “Where the fuck am I and who the hell are you?”

“Oh fuuuuck!” John said as he realized, too late, that this had not in fact been a brilliant plan. It had been a quite terrible plan, even by his standards. 

******"****"

“Why the fuck do you think I would listen to you? Why would you even ask me this?” 

Jack was really angry. Angrier than John had seen him. Apparently he was still mad about the bombs. That was so unfair, it wasn’t John’s fault. It had been Jack’s psycho brother, so actually, it was kind of Jack’s fault...

“No, absolutely not!” Jack wasn’t finished. “The fuck I am going to reverse Retcon - which YOU stole from me by the way - so you can, I don’t know what? Restore powers to a mad man?? Do you have any idea how much I dislike you??” 

Eyecandy stood placidly behind Jack with his dumb poker face. John could never tell what he was thinking. It was probably a mixture of analyzing the problem and coming up with multiple possible solutions as well as thinking about sex positions he could try with Jack. The man was clearly a brilliant multi-tasker and completely besotted with Jack. What a loser, John thought, not even fooling himself that he meant it. 

“I mean, you left the Retcon cabinet open. So technically, it wasn’t theft. You were pretty much inviting me to take it.” 

Eyecandy shook his head in warning. “Thanks for finally showing up to the conversation.” John thought to himself petulantly. 

“So you are suggesting,” Jack was practically screaming, “that because Torchwood is ridiculously short staffed, and poor Ianto here is doing three jobs. And your boyfriend - oh wait - ex-boyfriend - pulled a diversion that made us leave in some haste - because of that, it’s our fault that you stole Retcon? May I remind you that the reason we are so short staffed is because you brought the wrath of my brother down on us which resulted in the deaths of two beloved team members. So don’t tell me it’s our fault for leaving a cabinet in a locked facility open.” 

“Well he was your brother so technically….” 

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” A Welsh baritone interrupted him. Eyecandy maintained a blank expression despite his words. 

Jack stood up and punched John in the face, knocking him to the ground.

“You don’t understand!” John sobbed. “He was my soulmate. We were so perfect together. He had these magic hands, they crackled with energy. And then the things he could do to me. You have no idea. I came seven times in one night this one time! And now, now I ruined it. He doesn’t know who I am. He doesn’t remember me. He threw me out of our hotel room. He just, he doesn’t remember anything. He’s angry and scared. And he won’t talk to me. I can’t go on without him. I can’t….” 

John curled in a ball and sobbed. 

“John, get yourself together. I am not going to help you restore your evil ex-boyfriend to his full powers so he can destroy Cardiff. I’m glad you moved on and I am sorry he dumped you. But I can’t help you. And I wouldn’t want to even if I could.” 

With that Jack stormed off to his office. John knew he should get off of the floor of the Torchwood boardroom but he had no idea where he would even go. Ethan had all the money in his hotel room. 

He lay there for awhile and then he suddenly felt incredibly gentle hands pulling him up. 

“I’m sorry, John. He sounds like he was really good for you.” The mournful Welsh vowels washed over him. 

“You have no idea, Eyecandy. He just fit, you know? We were the perfect couple. I knew I loved him after the second time we fucked. He was just so perfect! I only wish I’d told him a million more times how much I loved him. The thousand times I told him just don’t seem like enough now. I have so many regrets.” 

Eyecandy looked at him with very sad eyes. “Don’t give up. I think you can get him back.” He strangely patted John on his chest right where the secret pocket in his military vest was. That was weird. 

And then Eyecandy gently but forcefully led him to the invisible lift out of the Hub. 

“Good luck.” He said sadly. “Please don’t let Jack see you around Cardiff again. He’s got enough to worry about.” 

It wasn’t till John was into his tenth beer at the pub (the place was super over-priced but it wasn’t like John was planning on paying anyway) that he thought about the weird way Eyecandy patted his chest and the lightbulb went on.

“Oh!!!” John said louder than he had meant to. “That sneaky little Welshman!” 

He checked his pocket and sure enough. There was a note written in incredibly prim and neat handwriting. It had a time, date and location. And said, “Bring Magic Hands.” 

“Oh you gorgeous, devious, beautiful Welshman!” 

***************

John was grateful that despite his depressed state, he still had some charm in him. He was able to talk himself into getting an extra key for their hotel room. Ethan - in his disoriented state - had thrown John out with barely the clothes on his back. He had left his wallet and everything else in the room. Luckily the clerk at the desk remembered him. She might have been the one who nearly called the cops because he and Magic Hands were about to fuck in the lobby. Or she had a thing for high cheekbones, he didn’t care. The point was he charmed his way into a keycard. 

He tapped the keycard on to the door and pushed it open. The room was chaos. The bedsheets were spinning around like a funnel cloud, the mini bar was open and the little bottles danced around the room, the chairs at the desk were rattling on the ground. In the centre of it sat Ethan. He looked terrified and confused. He looked up at John with abject fear in his eyes.

“I don’t know what’s happening? Who’s doing this? Why are they doing it?” He started to cry. 

“Oh baby! No, it’s okay. It’s you. It’s your magic hands. You like this, you like chaos.” 

“I don’t think I do.” Sobbed Ethan. “I don’t know what’s making this.” 

John carefully navigated through the mess of hotel room accessories flying through the air until he made his way to Ethan. He knelt beside him and rubbed a hand on his back. 

“You love chaos and you love me. You just forgot yourself. But it’s okay. I found a Welshman with a great ass and spectacular eyes who’s going to fix it. Going to fix you. You want to be fixed, right?” 

Ethan looked at him with confusion. “I don’t know who you are. But I don’t think I like you looking at another man’s ass.” 

John felt the first stirrings of hope he had felt since his ridiculous plan had crashed down around him.

“Oh, you actually hate it. And you punish me every time I do it. Do you feel like punishing me? Want to chain me to the bed and spank me? I think we packed your favourite flogger? Your Johnny’s been really bad and flirted with the hotel clerk at the desk too.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know you. Why would I want to punish you?” 

“Fuck.” John said under his breath. Louder he said. “Let’s go see the sexy Welshman and get you fixed.” 

“Will it stop this?” Ethan gestured all around him. 

“Yes, Magic Hands, it will.” 

“Who’s Magic Hands?” 

“You my love, you’re Magic Hands. You’ll see. Come let’s go meet the man.” 

*******************

When John and Ethan got to the meeting point - a dark alley, because of course it was - there was already a dark figure there. The man was wearing a hoodie and tight jeans with trainers. 

“Eyecandy! What a great disguise! I almost didn’t recognize you out of your suit!” 

“I have a name, you know, Captain Idiot.” 

“Ha! Captain Idiot! He called you a name. That’s funny.” Ethan babbled. 

“Please fix him!” John said plaintively. 

Eyecandy just laughed. “That’s the plan.” 

“But wait,” John said suspiciously, “why are you helping me? You hate me. I’ve never said your real name in any of the times that you’ve met me and I’m always causing you grief.” 

Eyecandy shrugged. “Maybe I’m just generous? Maybe I'm a romantic? Maybe I think there aren’t enough people in the world who will admit they are in a couple with the guy they’ve been sleeping with for two years? Maybe I'm a pragmatist? If you're happy with this Ethan then you are not going to keep trying to impress Jack."

“I will take any of those reasons!” John said. “Just fix my Magic Hands.” 

Eyecandy did the most epic of eye rolls and John once again pondered why he hadn’t chosen to nickname him “Eyeroller”. 

Eyecandy reached into his satchel and pulled out a device that looked like a wireless hairdryer with marbles hot-glued on it. 

“What’s that? Is it dangerous? If this is a ploy to kill my Magic Hands, you will not survive this encounter.” 

“Relax, I have no intention of murdering anyone in cold blood regardless of how annoying or idiotic they are.” 

John glared at Eyecandy but then looked at poor Ethan who looked very confused. “Alright, apparently I have to trust you. What is it and how does it work?” 

“I haven’t given it a name yet, I was thinking, ‘Retcon Reducer’ but to be honest, I’d prefer a name that rhymed.” 

“Of course, a rhyming name is the most important part of any technology.” John snarked. 

“I could be making out with Jack right now, you know! I don’t have to be here. “ 

“Fine! ‘Oh, Retcon Reducer! I love it! What a brilliant name.” John said sarcastically. 

Eyecandy, predictably, rolled his eyes. 

“It is a subsonic reducer that takes the strains of retcon in a person system and modifies them to bring back some memories whilst keeping others blocked.” 

“That’s genius! How did you figure out how to do that?” John said as he inadvertently reached for the device.

“It wasn’t me.” Eyecandy said as he slapped John’s hand away. “Tosh made it.” 

“Well tell her thanks for me.” 

Ianto shot him a murderous glare. “I can’t, you asshole. She’s dead. Remember, you set the events in motion that led to her death? You were there when she died.” 

“Oh shit! I’m sorry, Eyecandy. And I liked her. She said she thought I was cute. I really thought Gray would be grateful that I rescued him. I was just trying to do something nice for Jack.” 

“Yeah, well next time, don’t. I lost my best friend in the world because of your bumbling.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Look, here’s where we make a bargain. This device works both ways. If you so much as stay in Cardiff one second longer than it takes you to pack up your shit and leave, I will reverse what I’ve done. And then I will break the device. Tosh didn’t leave plans for it behind. So if I break this, your boyfriend will never remember you.” 

“You’re so bossy. It really turns me on. Say, when Magic Hands is himself again, what would you say to a threesome? Jack doesn’t need to know. Or we can invite him?” 

Eyecandy held the Retcon reducer aloft as if he was about to smash it on the pavement in the alley.

“Okay! Just joking, Geez, get a sense of humour. I promise, I will take Magic Hands out of Cardiff, he will not do any magic, I will not pass GO, I will not collect $200.”

“Ugh, just hold Magic… I mean Ethan still so I can aim this properly.” 

John gently wrapped an arm around Ethan who was looking around manically. 

“It’s okay baby, we’ll fix you. You’ll see, it’s all going to be better now. You're going to remember your Johnny and we're going to be together again.” He smoothed a hand up and down Ethan’s arm. He looked at Eyecandy and thought he saw jealousy in his face but it quickly disappeared and his expression was as blank as ever. 

Eyecandy fiddled with the dials and then pressed a button and buzzing noise started in the device. It shot a ray of something at Ethan, hitting him squarely in the chest. The impact knocked both Ethan and John back on their asses. 

“Sorry, forgot to mention that it has a kick.” Eyecandy smirked. 

“Magic Hands? Are you okay? Did it work? Baby, please talk to me?” John said as he leaned over Ethan. 

Ethan began to stir and opened his eyes. “Johnny? Where are we? Why am I in an alley? Wait… I forgot you? Oh no, lover, how did I ever forget those cheekbones?” He reached up with a shaky arm and stroked John’s face. “This beautiful demented face? How could I forget it?” 

“It’s okay baby!” John said with tears in his eyes. “You’re okay now. The sexy sarcastic Welshman fixed you. He hates me but he fixed you because we’re so in love.” 

He looked up to thank Eyecandy but he had already slipped away and disappeared into the night. 

“Thank you!! I owe you one!!” John called out into the darkness. “Baby, we have to get out of Cardiff because your Johnny made a promise to a scary man but after that, we are going to have SO MUCH FUN!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I would love to know what you think! I admit I had too much fun writing about the completely amoral characters.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The children. They’re all talking in unison. Saying weird shit like “We are coming.” Do I have a magic rival somewhere I need to worry about?” 
> 
> “Nah babe,” John said turning around and leaning against the window, hoping fruitlessly that someone would look up and see his ass stuck against the glass. “That’s aliens. That’s not magic. I know aliens. It’s all about frequencies and stuff like that.” 
> 
> ****************
> 
> Ethan would do almost anything to cheer up his Johnny when he's sad

“Did you hear about the children?” John was looking out the window again. He decided that Ethan’s penthouse was really too high off the street for anyone to look up and see him naked. Maybe he could talk Ethan into buying a unit on a lower floor just for them to fuck in. They were rolling in cash now that Ethan had his magic back. He doubted Ethan would go for it, but was pretty sure the suggestion would make him jealous, which would be fun. 

“What’s that?” John asked without looking back at his naked lover in the bed. He had been too wrapped up in his plans to make Ethan jealous to really take in what the man had said.

“The children. They’re all talking in unison. Saying weird shit like “We are coming.” Do I have a magic rival somewhere I need to worry about?” 

“Nah babe,” John said turning around and leaning against the window, hoping fruitlessly that someone would look up and see his ass stuck against the glass. “That’s aliens. That’s not magic. I know aliens. It’s all about frequencies and stuff like that.” 

“What do they want?” 

“Didn’t you hear? It was on the news earlier today. They want a load of kiddies so they can eat them or something. I think it was ten percent?” 

“Why not give them all the kids?” Ethan said disinterestedly. “What do we need those annoying brats for anyway.” 

“That’s what I said!” John said enthusiastically. “Too many dumb sprogs in the world. Besides, it's not like people can’t make more.” 

“Quite. Well, that’s nothing to do with us. Come back to bed. I see you sticking your ass against the window hoping someone down there will look up and see you. You know I don’t want anyone else looking at your body but me. Yet you insist on showing yourself off. Get over here right now so I can punish you. And fetch me the flogger from the cabinet. I think you need a spanking.” 

John grabbed the flogger and was back in the bed in an instant.

*********************

London was all in a hubbub about the aliens. Earlier that day the confusion had made Ethan smile. He did love a good crisis. People running every which way, general panic. It made his heart sing. But Johnny’s birthday was in three days and all the turmoil was making what had promised to be a pleasant day of hunting for all the ingredients he needed for the spell he wanted to do into a tiresome slog. 

And all those sirens heading towards Thames House earlier that day had given him SUCH a headache. Couldn't they have the decency to turn the volume down a little bit? Like come on, we get it, you need to get through traffic. But really! 

He was mortally offended that anything at all related to his Johnny should be unpleasant. His beautiful lover with the piercing blue eyes and cheekbones you could cut glass on… Nothing about him could be negative or tiresome.

Well, there was his good mood back. He thought of his Johnny writhing in the sheets of their bed, completely surrendering to Ethan as he took him to the brink of ecstasy and held him there until he couldn’t take it anymore, then held it longer. The way that Johnny looked at him, not just in bed but anytime. And the things that Johnny - a mere mortal without a whiff of magic about him - could do to Ethan. 

Ethan sighed contentedly as he pushed open the rickety door of the lift and stepped onto his floor. He hadn’t found all the ingredients but this alien thing couldn’t last much longer could it? Hopefully things would be back to normal in time for his birthday surprise. 

“Lover! I’m home! What a nightmare out there. You know I love chaos but there is a limit.” 

Surprisingly there was no answer. 

“Johnny? Lover? Where are you?” 

He stepped into their bedroom and gasped. There sat on their bed was his gorgeous man. But something was wrong. Johnny was sitting staring at the television. He was laconically pushing chocolate into his mouth and sobbing. His eyes were red rimmed as if he had been crying for awhile. 

“Baby!” Ethan dropped his bags and ran to John. “What happened? What’s wrong my love?” 

“Eyecandy…” Johnny sniffed. “They got him? I didn’t… That’s not right. It’s not fair. He was too good… I can’t…” John collapsed into sobbs as Ethan gathered him up into his arms and made cooing soothing noises. 

He looked at the television mounted on the wall across from their bed. It was on the news channel and the images were of body bags being pulled out of a building. The crawling headline read, “Massacre at Thames House: Alien Show of Force”. 

“My love? Someone you knew?” Ethan said gently to the figure sobbing in his lap. 

“Eyecandy!” John wailed. “It’s not fair.” 

Later when John had pulled himself together more (thanks to Ethan’s calming spell and some hot coco), Ethan got the story out of him. 

It turned out that John’s meddlesome ex-boyfriend, Captain Perfect, had stormed Thames House with his adorable little lapdog boyfriend in tow. Apparently making terrible plans was something John had had in common with Jack. But as John had seen on the news, the lapdog - who presumably had a name? John called him Eyecandy which annoyed Ethan - had kicked it. 

None of this really mattered to Ethan at all. Though he hated to see his Johnny so upset. He was ready to rip the world a part to make his man smile again. 

“But my love, why are you sad? Were you in love with him as well as Jack?” He tried to hide his annoyance when he said Jack’s name.

“No, I swear to you Ethan, I wasn’t! But I respected him. Do you know how many people I respect? Just two, you and… and… well Eyecandy. So now it’s just you. And he helped us! Remember when I wiped out your memory? He helped me get it back but keep the nasty memories away so you could still do your magic. He hates me but he still helped us because he saw how in love we were. He loved Jack that much. And Jack loved him too though I bet he never told him. Jack doesn’t ever tell you he loves you. He just gets all sad and broody when he’s in love. Eyecandy was too good for him.” 

“So, so you’re saying that Jack is now free? Totally single?” 

“Yes. And I don’t like it. I wanted Jack back so badly. I was so in love with him. But then I barged into their little alien hunting party and met the team. And Eyecandy. I liked him. He stood up to me, he was willing to die for Jack right then and there. And willing to die rolling those exquisite blue eyes. I respected that. I thought, if I can’t have Jack, at least this guy gets him. I could be okay with not having Jack cuz he found someone who was smarter, more efficient, better at planning than me. I kind of got used to the idea, you know? But now… now Jack is probably going to hook up with some dummy who won’t have any of Eyecandy’s character. I can’t deal with it.” 

“Hmmm, I see. Why don’t you rest, my love. I will think of something. We can fix this. I’ll make you happy again. I always do.” 

“Okay, please fix this, Magic Hands.” John yawned and fell asleep. 

Ethan sat on the bed, leaning against the wall. His Johnny slept soundly curled up against him. He could not for one minute tolerate pain on his lover’s face. This was terrible. 

But worse than that, he could not deal with a free and single Jack Harkness. He knew John loved him, but he had always suspected that John still loved Jack as well. Jack was perfect, he smelled amazing and was legendary in bed apparently. How was Ethan supposed to compete with that? 

Jack was from the same time as John. They had so much in common. What if Jack was so sad about the death of his current lover that he went back to John? He couldn’t lose John, not after all the man had done for him. Not when he didn’t know happiness but to see it reflected in his man’s eyes. Not when he had never met anyone who had as much of a deep abiding love for chaos as he did. 

He stared out the window and brooded. He couldn’t lose Johnny. He just couldn’t. And then it came to him. 

*************

“Is it normal to have a headache?” Ethan complained, holding his head as he stood on the street watching the crowds streaming from Thames House. 

“Depends. I think it’s because your magic makes you sensitive to the ether. I’m sorry my love. I hope it doesn’t hurt too much.” 

“Oh Johnny, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. We need to act quick or your birthday present will be ruined.” 

It wasn’t what Ethan originally had in mind for Johnny’s birthday but he thought his Johnny would be happy with it nonetheless. 

They rushed along till they saw what they were looking for. The man in the greatcoat pacing as another man in a vest and shirt spoke on the phone. 

“There he is! There’s Eyecandy!” John said with glee! “The man knows how to wear a suit!” 

“Alright my love," Ethan said, trying to ignore the flare of anger the compliment to Eyecandy stirred in him. "I need some help from your vortex manipulator. Here take my hand. It will help focus the protection spell.” 

He took John’s hand and began the incantation. Pointing his other hand at Eyecandy he used all of his concentration to syphon the vortex energy and work it into his spell. Finally he said the release chant and the enhanced magic flew at the man. Eyecandy jolted slightly and looked around. John had created a perception filter but from what John had told him about Eyecandy, he could probably see through it. 

In fact he did. From across the street they saw his confused look. 

Jonny waved sweetly at Eyecandy, whilst mouthing “I owed you one! Don’t tell Jack!” 

Ethan wondered if the man understood but assumed he probably read lips since he was apparently so perfect. 

Eyecandy nodded at John, put his phone back in his pocket and went to join Jack in striding towards Thames House. 

“Well, Happy Birthday my love! Eyecandy gets to live!” 

“Thank you, Magic Hands! You know I love you, right? When we get back to our place I will show you. OR!!! If we hurry we can get to our place before you go out for the day today. What do you think about a foursome with ourselves?” 

“Oh Johnny, it’s like you read my mind!” 

*************** 

John stared out the window. It was a beautiful day, the sun shone through the window and warmed his skin. Out on the street a mother and small child walked by. The little boy pointed up to the window and said something to his mother. She looked up and her face turned to utter horror at the naked man clearly standing in the floor to ceiling fourth floor window. She covered her son’s eyes and rushed them down the street. John smiled with satisfaction. He was happy with the new apartment. 

“That’s the fourth one today, Johnny. If you’re not careful one of them is going to call the police on you.” 

“Probably. But it will have been worth it.” 

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. 

“Maybe that’s them now. I do hope so, I’ve got so many ideas for spells to use on them.” 

“I’m sure you do lover.” John laughed. 

Ethan threw on a housecoat and went to answer the door. John sighed contentedly. He wasn’t sure what he’d ever done to deserve Magic Hands and in fact he probably didn’t. But he was going to hold on forever because things like this didn’t come along more than once a lifetime. 

“Sadly, not the police. But, on the bright side, someone sent you something.” 

“Oh?” John turned to see the package Ethan was holding out to him. He took it and studied the label. There was no return address but the prim and precise penmanship with which his name and address was written was unmistakable. 

“Eyecandy!!” John said with pleasure. He tore into the package and pulled out a box of brightly coloured Halloween chocolate, all of the round little goodies in the shape of eyeballs. “Oh very clever, you! Look Ethan, it’s eyeball candies!” 

Ethan had come around behind John, circling his hands around his waist and leaning his chin on John’s shoulder. 

“Well, at least he’s got a sense of humour about the nickname.” 

“Oh look, a note!” John opened the note and began to read aloud. 

“‘Dear Captain Idiot and ‘Magic Hands’’ Well that’s not very nice, I don’t think I like the tone that he wrote ‘Magic Hands’ in.” 

He continued reading: ‘I guess I owe you both a thank you. I appreciated your little gift, though was not expecting it to keep on giving. Seems like it’s a permanent gift? Jack likes the gift as well - A LOT. I haven’t seen him this happy in a very long time. Anyway, consider your debt paid. Now please, and I ask this with the utmost respect, please leave Jack and myself the fuck alone. Yours, sarcastically, “Eyecandy.’” 

“Permanent you say?” Ethan said with a little too much satisfaction. 

“Oh, you did that on purpose didn’t you?” 

“Perhaps. I used some of your vortex energy.” 

“Well, apparently he’s doubly immortal because I re-adjusted the vortex energy too.” 

“I see.” Ethan laughed. 

“Why? I didn’t know you like Eyecandy.” 

“Oh, it wasn’t about him. I did it so Jack would have someone and wouldn’t come crawling back to you. I couldn’t bear to lose you to Jack.” His arms tightened around John and he began to lick his neck.

“Magic Hands! Do you really think that little of me? Jack could be naked right in front of me, begging to have me back, and I’d not give him a second glance. Not when I have my Magic Hands to take care of me and to punish me when I’m naughty.” 

Ethan held John tighter. “I’ll always take care of my Johnny.” 

“You know, changing history like this could have ripped the world apart. There was like an 80% chance that would happen.” 

“I know, pity it didn’t. But I would have done it even if there was only a 10% chance. But oh well, so much for that. But why did you want him immortal?” 

“Remember when you lost your memory? Jack was so rude to me. I begged and begged, I even cried. But he wouldn’t help me. He’s a sanctimonious prick most of the time. But Eyecandy, now Eyecandy took pity on me. And now you have your memories and your magic! So the moral of the story is Eyecandy is a soft pushover, and if we ever need anything from those dumb alien hunters we can just go ask Eyecandy cuz if we look pathetic enough he’ll help us. See my love, I like to think about the future. I’m kind of a genius at making plans.” 

“Mmmmm so you are. Right now I am thinking of the very near future where I will be bending you over that desk and double penetrating you with my real cock and my magic cock.” 

“Oh yes please!!” 

As John screamed and called out Ethan’s name as he was being pounded into the next week, he couldn’t help but feel a little bit guilty. Later as he held a sleeping Ethan in his arms, he thought about how he hadn’t been completely honest with his lover. He didn’t think Eyecandy was so pliable. 

But really, it was that the night after Ethan told him his plan to go back and change history, he had lay in bed, completely saited after rambunctious birthday eve sex with Ethan and thought about things. He thought about the way he looked at Ethan and the way Ethan looked at him. And then he thought about the way Eyecandy looked at Jack and the way Jack looked at Eyecandy when he thought no one was looking. He couldn’t see any difference between those two looks. And right then he had thought, if he and Ethan had that perfect happiness, why not pass it along to Jack and Eyecandy? The world was hard enough as it was, and adding a little more eternal love to it would only be to the good. 

“Look at me,” John said to himself, “getting all soft and gooey. Pathetic.” But he couldn’t stop himself from grinning. 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing these completely immoral guys! I would love to hear what you think. Have I convinced anyone that Ethan Rayne and John Hart are perfect for each other? (I am well aware that their relationship is deeply unhealthy, that's sort of the point)


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